Sunday, September 16, 2007
Extra time.
Prelims are finally over. But like how Asyraf describes the situation we're now in, 'It's like giving your all during a match, only for the ref to blow his whistle to call for extra time." Hahah, too true too true.
During retreat, we talked about the media and about Generation X and Generation Y, and I couldn't help but feel caught in the middle. Like I had ideas, but I seldom voiced them out due to whatever reasons. Then I just reflected on my life; where I stand, what I believe in, how and why i made certain decisions, and something struck me.
I'm just real tired of fighting for my personal choices. Exhausted entirely, from resisting pressure, from battling inner demons screaming for me to yield: from simply being who I am. Because it just doesn't fit into the environment I'm in. It’s got nothing to do with relating to my classmates, but how my own personality doesn't only not rub off from them, but instead frictions with theirs. I don't like it, but I'm only me.
It's so very hard because when you're on your own, nobody's got your back. They don't quite understand; it all seems so complex and unnecessary to them, like a vain attempt by an environmentalist to unhearing ears as to why it's important to conserve when the effects are only manifested in the future. It's a laugh to them, and suddenly, you feel like it's you versus the world. And you wait for the day when you get to say, "I told ya so." But I don't want that day to come.
It's a hapless attempt at appeasement when I think it'll come to war. Haha, people sometimes say I think too much, but really, I'm not going to just float through life going with the flow even though I don't agree with it. I want to chart my own path, but then I realize it hurts and it all seems so futile, why not give up? Just conform.
So much has changed, but I stubbornly stick to my pride. It's tough, but it's go to be done.
"I'gin to be aweary of the sun"
Trudge on.